I just want all these feelings to go away.@4 months ago
A 26 year old woman fighting herself.
Having a good weekend in terms of intake. However, I only think I am doing well because i’m broke! lol I dont have extra money to buy binge food or go out to my favorite fast food joint. I get paid on Tuesday, hoping i dont slip up with new money in my hands.
Mentally, emotionally I am a wreck. There is way too much stress I am carrying, I honestly try to pretend I don’t have the stress which just makes the stress snowball into more stress! ugh I am overwhelmed with my messed up life.@4 months ago with 1 note
I could probably count with just my two hands the number of times I’ve seen my mother and father this year. Which is fucking sad. Sure I’m partly to blame because I avoid them. My parents aren’t horrible people. They have made their mistakes as parents but no one is perfect. I don’t expect perfection from them. I just feel like there are things I wish they would acknowledge from the past that has hurt me and molded me into the emotional wreck of a person I am today. My mother told me when I was a child many times that when I was old enough I could get a nose job. She told me when I was younger how when she was pregnant with me she hoped I wouldn’t have my fathers nose. Well to her disappointment I did. When I was 16 my mother took me to a plastic surgeon. Less than a month shy of my 17th birthday I went under the knife for rhinoplasty. While I myself felt the surgery was a positive thing I still felt ugly and not good enough. I don’t regret the surgery but it taught me so young that I was so imperfect that I needed to be physically altered by a doctor. You know they say you can’t expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself and I guess that would explain not only my failed relationships but the poor choices in men I made. Speaking of men, my father disappeared from my life at a critical age. when I was 14! teenage years in a girls life is when she needs her fathers presence most. She needs him there to keep her from seeking her fathers love in the wrong places, in the wrong boys. Me and my father didn’t reconnect until I was 23 ( I’m 26 now). it’s so scary how much everything my parents have done and not done has impacted my life.@4 months ago
I have this stale sadness that invades me every time someone at work asks me what I am doing for the holidays. Part of me wants to lie and say I am going to do all these wonderful things and sing Christmas carols by an overly decorated tree. I then realize why the hell should I lie? Not everyone has a picture perfect family or life. Just because its the holidays doesn’t mean people are with family or have family, or even want to see family. My family is complicated, dysfunctional and broken on both ends. My mother will likely want to see me for Christmas but I am still not ready to be around family. (My father probably wont call.) I am on a bit of a hiatus I suppose. Well, really its darker than that. Its me submitting to my depression. This is how depression gets you. You isolate and withdraw. I have to say for the record while I agree I am indeed depressed I am not one of those people that are only depressed "chemically". I am depressed due to my life and the situations and circumstances in it from past to present. My mother use to tell me I should just get on medication. As if a pill is the cure to all. As if I am just sad because I just am. She refuses to acknowledge the obvious reasons I hurt. The fact will remain the core of my depression will be my reality. I cannot undo things done, I cannot make the men that I have slept with in the past love me beyond the moment they opened a condom wrapper. I cannot make my father be a better father 10 years ago. I cannot get rid of emotional scars from words my mother drove into me like a hammer hitting a nail. I can’t do anything but accept the pain. I would love to try therapy but my money is needed else where.@4 months ago
Its currently 4pm and I am at 450 calories today! pretty good! hope I have the will power to stay under 1000.
I slept most of today away until I couldn’t. Started getting a neck ache and head ache.
I changed my cell number yesterday. Haven’t given it to anyone yet.@4 months ago
Yesterdays intake was a fail. How fucking sad, I can’t even go 3 days on a diet! I kinda felt it would happen yesterday. I started to feel my will power falling apart around noon time. Pathetic.
Also, I had night sweats last night. I get them every now and then (I’d say at least once maybe twice a month) and when I do they are usually so bad that I have to change my clothes and bedding. I have gone to the doctors for EKG, LABS, Chest X-rays and general physical but they find nothing. My doctor said it could be due to anxiety. I do have bad anxiety but I am such hypochondriac. I always think I am dying from something major.@4 months ago
I am a prisoner to my own mind. I feel like I am going fucking crazy. I need some control. Everything is out of control. I feel guilty for complaining about my life but if I didn’t complain I’d be pretending everything is fine. Which is what i do in the outside world. I go to work in the week and pretend I am like anyone else there. However, I think my coworkers have noticed in the 2 years that I have been there that I am different. I keep to myself and don’t look for casual conversation. If its not work related I don’t care to chit-chat. I have always been this way though. The text book example of an introvert. I feel like my mind is tainted, Tainted since the first memory I can recall from my childhood. No matter what happens, I make two steps forward and get knocked back four steps. I have pushed everyone out of my life. Family and the small amount of so called friends I had. I disabled my Facebook too if that counts for anything, Fucking hate Facebook, I told my father about 2 months ago that I needed some space from everyone. So in other words don’t contact me. I also told my mother the same thing when she invited me to a dinner earlier this month. She called me on Thanksgiving but my father didn’t. I feel bad that I have given them the cold shoulder but its for the best. If I let them in my life right now I will not be pleasant to them. I am in a lot of pain, so much pain that most of the time it makes me emotionally stiff. I cannot even cry, even though I have a million reason to. I am taking life one day at a time. Afraid, worried,
My body is proof of my out of control ways and depression. I have put on so much weight in the last two years! Starting Dec 1st 2013 I want to do something about it. In 2005 I lost 50 lbs and got down to my lowest weight ever. Knowing that I have done it before is encouraging but easier thought of than done. All I can say is I will try because that is all that I can do. Back in 2005 when I lost a lot of weight my weight loss methods were not very healthy. I was a purger, I was extremely strict with my calorie intake and obsessive about getting in exercise daily. I need that will power to regenerate inside me again.@4 months ago